Cedarville University Yellow Jackets

December 5, 2011

Welcome aboard folks!  Another week passed, and another Floridian adventure to close out the year.

Once again we set out on a journey to Kissimmee, FL, home of large mouth gators and championship soccer tournaments. After packing our swimmies, filling up on dorm-delivered pasta, and throwing away the last bit of homework we had left to do, we saw our long lost friends, Don and Leo, approaching with our familiar sleeper bus. And after Leo blindly drove right past the giant mob of soccer players waiting in excitement, Don reassured us by taking the wheel for the first segment of the road trip of all road trips.  Unfortunately for us, Don’s wife Sharon could not make a repeat appearance due to typical bus driver’s wife duties. 

The night on the sleeper bus consisted of playing FIFA, stopping at sketchy truck stops, and playing enough games of bull to make our fingers practically fall off. Myles (Take Me To Vegas) Greely beat the odds by remarkably drawing a higher straight out of the deck as Steve (Cheating While Dealing) Schindler claimed to “know” that he was going to draw it. Don and Leo found the splits through traffic on our journey, and we awoke in a land that was surprisingly not -20 degrees like at Cedarville. After Coach (Shoot The Moon) Knight ordered egg nog pancakes at IHOP, we stepped onto dry land for the first time in 18 hours. This land I speak of was layered with grass from Bermuda. After practicing our Dutch turns and measured touches, we finally arrived at our hotel in Florida.

Our week of Cedarville-funded meals started off with a bang when we went to the one and only Smokey Bones for dinner. However, as we pulled away from the hotel, Steve (Full Moon) Ellis got left behind, but luckily Don jammed it into reverse and saved the day. At dinner, many boys became men. You see, a man’s manliness is determined by the size of the burger they eat. That was on full display as Eric (Kobayashi) Hoober consumed a burger better suited for Goliath. And before us tired lads could call it a night, Leyna (TJ Master) Hebert was serenaded with a Happy Birthday tune by her 27 favorite athletes.

The next sunrise, as we pulled away from the hotel to go to Wal-Mart, Ryan (Showtime) Shoquist got left behind, but luckily Don pulled a U-turn and saved the day. The rest of the day included scooping up lots of goodies to give to disadvantaged children, frolicking on the games fields, losing to Connor (Gamma Blaster) Scott in pocket tanks, intimidating the other teams at the banquet with our matching outfits, and watching Mark (BEEP) Ingram crush the fantasy football hopes of many.

Game day was upon us, so we headed to the residence of former blog writer, soccer player, and gator hunter, Tim (Toolshed) Green. However, as we pulled away from the hotel, Timmy (I Love Blue Jeans) Waller got left behind, but luckily Don whipped the bus around, avoided honking soccer moms, and saved the day. While waiting for the delicious food, a group of brave hunters scampered into the forest to bring back some gator sandwiches in the name of Steve Irwin. Following in the footsteps of last year’s seniors, Mitch (Crocodile Dundee) Goodling and the gang sought after the evil yellow jackets from last year, but they were nowhere to be found. When interviewed concerning the hunt for gators and yellow jackets, Ryan (Who Stole My Fleece?!) Connelly said, “They are who we thought they were! And we let ‘em off the hook!” We all enjoyed the delicious burgers and chicken at the Green’s while Eric (Ladies Man) Newman darted to the front of the line faster than a barefooted jackrabbit on a hot greasy griddle in the middle of August.

That evening, we defeated the Oakland City Mighty Oaks 2-0 with goals scored by James (New Haircut) Twinem and Todd (Becky’s Boo) McKinley. And after a late night of Papa John’s, chocolate milk, bananas, and frigid ice baths, we settled into bed dreaming of the next day’s annual mini-golf tournament. The next morning on the course, Myles (Choke Artist) Greely crashed and burned on the back nine as Steve (Igloo Room) Schindler made the shot of the century by knocking Myles’ ball into the water and sinking his own shot all in one swing. The real excitement occurred back at the clubhouse where Connor (Choot Em, Jacob!) Scott caused gator mayhem by dangling a hot dog in front of them while Justin (Jin Qui!) Santoro amazingly rescued the winning scorecard from the depths of the gator pit.

Later Thursday night, after Dave (Chick-fil-A Man) Koepsell filled our hungry stomachs, our semifinal game was an epic battle against the California Baptist Lancers which ended in a 0-0 tie. Unfortunately for us, we lost in PK’s, but the legend of Zac (Great Wall of China) Lee continued to grow by stopping another PK and intimidating another guy to miss the net. On our day off, after we spent the morning packing rice into bags for hungry children overseas, Coach (I Hate Adidas) Beall took us to Downtown Disney and the Nike Clearance Store. Unfortunately, somewhere in between there, our 1987 sleeper bus with 750,000 miles needed a new head gasket and a shot of oil, so Big Don made a quick stop at Jiffy Lube.  “Don’s the Man!” chants dominated our ride to the Nike store where Eric (Money Man) Newman practically bought the whole store out of business.

That night, the Cedarville men’s soccer team descended on the castle of all castles, Medieval Times.  After playing with swords, being creeped out by the scribe, and buying blue flags to wave, the immaculate Trumpet Man appeared out of the tunnel and tooted his horn to signal the start of our “Dinner and Tournament.” As Ryan (As Am I!) Connelly alerted not only our waiter but everyone else in the coliseum that he was thirsty, we put every ounce of effort into cheering the Blue (Still in Training) Knight to victory. Any little thing that this here Blue Knight would do sent us into complete uproar.  Others in the audience watched in silence and little children covered their ears while we tore our lungs out for the magnificent Blue Knight! To Chivalry! All the while, during the constant uproar, Scott (Ketchup Lover) Roseberg managed to fall asleep in the middle of the show. Despite grabbing the coveted battle axe from the side wall, our beloved Blue Knight got beaten to a pulp in the championship, and our hearts were in anguish as the show concluded. 

The next morning was the final act in the drama as we played in the third-place game against the Judson Eagles. Much to our delight, Grant (Full 90) Kovac once again joined us on the pitch. Our last goal of the year was scored by Todd (Sure, I’ll Go Skins!) McKinley as we tied 1-1 in our final contest of 2011. Well in by Steve (Bath Bomb) Ellis and Todd (Goat Boy) McKinley for being on the All-Tournament team, and we were proud to walk away from Florida with the Sportsmanship Award and a week we will never forget.

After a long, slow bus ride back filled with Don and Leo getting lost at Cracker Barrel, Coach (Order Whatever You Want) Faro finally playing cards with us, Daniel (Have You Seen My Hamster?) Rigby and Ryan (Blough!) Connelly dealbreaking each other, Ryan (I Have All The Chick Flicks) Thurman getting to know Kristi at McDonald’s, and Jon (I Need More Shoes) Earl causing shenanigans during the night, we made it home safely to Cedarville.

Until next year, I leave you with this:

"We should never not talk about recruiting. I could be in the middle of “anything” and I’ll talk about recruiting if I want."

Get stuck in, lads!

  
November 28, 2011

Welcome aboard folks!  Another week passed, and another 973 miles to go until we get to Kissimmee, Florida. 

After training indoors in the beginning of the week due to typical monsoon-like Cedarville weather, Coach gave us two days off to visit our much-missed family and friends for Thanksgiving.  Coming back with stomachs full of turkey, stuffing, and squash, we started gearing up for Florida. 

The highlight of our weekend back on campus consisted of a delicious meal at Jeremy (Wink Wink) Hoppe's house.  Meanwhile, Justin (I need training wheels) Santoro and Grant (Roll Tide) Kovac had to rescue our assistant coaches from the hood of Columbus.  Once arriving at the scene of the party, Coach (Wrists of Fury) Grant took over the ping-pong table and quickly defeated everyone he laid eyes on. 

Finally, Sunday night we began our descent to the deep South with our familiar drivers Don and Leo at the helm.  Ranked as the #4 seed, we're ready to make a ruckus down in Florida.

Get stuck in, lads!
  

November 21, 2011

Welcome aboard folks!  Another week passed, and another trip to Florida on the horizon!

Our amazing week began with a rematch of last year’s most epic comeback in Cedarville history against Indiana Wesleyan.  Brief history lesson:  Last year’s bunch scored three goals in the final seven minutes to erase a two-goal deficit and send us to the Sunshine State. Fast forward a year to last Wednesday night during our semifinal rematch against them. First half goals for us were scored by Jeremy (Caught in the Lounge) Hoppe and Ethan (Tree Hugger) Shula. However, IWU tried to replicate our comeback against them last year by depositing two set-pieces into the back of our net in the final 13 minutes. Fortunately, Timmy (Oops, I did it again) Waller squashed their hopes of revenge by burying a loose rebound in the second OT. 

Now what could be more exciting than that semifinal match against IWU?  Only the first annual CU Men’s Soccer Pentathlon on Friday night. Possibly the greatest team event of all time consisted of splitting us up into six teams based on tallness, smallness, freshmenness, sophomoreness, distanceness, and Pennsylvanianess. The first challenge, which involved throwing millions of tennis balls across the gym into five-gallon jugs, was won by Team Distance while Ian (I’d rather be hamster racing) MacDonald struggled to throw his tennis balls past midcourt. Meanwhile, Eric (Philly Fanatic) Hoober and Daniel (The Big Rig) Rigby forgot that the point is to actually keep the balls inside the jug instead of spilling on the floor. Redemption was in store as their team ended up winning the popsicle bridge building challenge without having any of those smart engineers on their team.

The upset of the night was when Myles (Midnight Ride of Paul Revere) Greely shocked us all and finished the third logic puzzle right before the buzzer. And finally, we all discovered that if you ever are in a jam and need to cross a river with only a couple of chairs, then you might want to pick a guy from Pennsylvania to help you. After Team Distance was crowned overall champion and Mitch (I’ll do anything to finally kill a buck) Goodling and Todd (Who stole my bike?) McKinley fought over second-place t-shirts, we all received scrumptious brownies by the wonderful Liz Connelly. Well in by Mrs. Conn.

Now, back to our championship match against Grace. Not wanting to head down to the land of gators the easy way, we let the game go all the way to dreaded PK’s. Goals in the shootout were scored by Steve (I never miss) Schindler, James (Canadian Education) Twinem, Ethan (I rake hard in the backyard) Shula, and Steve (Ice in my veins) Ellis.  But the real hero is:  ZAC (Stonewall Jackson) LEE.  Now you may ask, who in the world is Zac Lee?  Born on February 3, 1993 and all the way from Newark, Delaware, this young lad started the season as the fourth-string goalkeeper. However, soon enough, it was discovered in practice that Mr. Lee was pretty darn good at stopping penalty kicks. So, long story short, Zac Lee made his collegiate debut in the penalty shootout of the regional championship game. 4 shots.  2 saves. Legendary.

And with that we’re gearing up for the national tournament in Kissimmee, Florida! 

Shout out of the week goes to Mr. (Season Ticket Holder) Santoro for being one pretty amazing guy.

Shout out of the week #2 goes to Matt (It’s time to beat OSU) Niemiec for announcing our games this season on the world-wide web. 

Get stuck in, lads!


November 14, 2011

Welcome aboard folks!  Another week passed, and another freezing day without our warm-up jackets.

As we await our upcoming playoff matches in the NCCAA Midwest Regional, we held another week of pre-season training, only replacing the hotter than the sun weather with colder than an Orange Creamsicle weather. After competing all week against one another, we were rewarded with the opportunity to host 75 potential recruits in our annual Winter Clinic. What a weekend it was.

As Coach (Master Recruiter) Beall and Coach (Shelley Smith) Faro showed off some more Nike Cedarville gear, the kids showcased their talents on our game field. Being experienced members of the program, we got to show the recruits the good life of a being a Cedarville soccer player.  This included showing them the correct way to make the Dutch version of a diamond, how to pass like only Arsenal knows how, and how to make a ham sandwich in Chuck’s. 

The large amount of recruits made for some interesting sleeping arrangements. A new Brock record for most kids sleeping in one room was set with a high of 13 kids. And after giving up his bed, Jon (Mr. Chocolate) Earl attempted to sleep in a hammock for the night, but ended up crashing onto a couch with no cushions. The luckiest recruits were led by Justin (You mean the one you eat?) Santoro and Daniel (Have you seen my recruit?) Rigby to Winner’s Market across the street to buy anything that their little hearts desired.

Shoutout of the week goes to Coach (FIFA Tournament!) Marietta for gracing us with his presence all the way from pure Michigan (Go Blue).

Come and support us on Wednesday in our pursuit of the 'ship once again.

Get stuck in, lads!


November 7, 2011

Welcome aboard folks!  Another week passed, and another moment that matters.

Saturday night. 7PM. We lined up for the first (and also the last) annual championship match of the Ohio Independent Championship tournament. Looking across the pitch at our opponents, we saw a tall, lanky fellow that resembled more of a bum than a soccer player. It was a familiar face that we all know as Scott Roseberg. Whoa, wait a second. On the other side of the pitch stood our own teammates, not the Notre Dame Falcons we were expecting. 

Due to our devastating loss to Walsh on Thursday, our new championship match consisted of an inter-squad scrimmage under the lights on our home pitch. Eric (Hungry for Panda) Newman started off the scoring for the yellow pinnies by slotting home a through ball, while the gray team watched in disbelief. Saturday night lights ended with the yellow pinnies defeating the gray team 1-0.

Our lone goal of the Walsh match was a beauty of a strike by Zach (Where’d my fruit snacks go?) Gatlin. 

We now begin a tough week of training for the NCCAA playoffs. Playoffs? You talking about playoffs? Stay tuned for more.

Get stuck in, lads!


October 31, 2011

Welcome aboard folks! Another week passed, and Happy Halloooooweeen! 

Before costumes, candy, and jack-o-lanterns, we had to finish up two regular season home games last week.  On Monday evening, seniors  Ryan (I did this last year) Connelly and James (We’ve never lost a war) Twinem were honored on Senior Night, and they will both be missed for many years to come. Motivated by all of Canada coming south to watch the event, James (Canadian sniper) Twinem netted two tallies to continue his goal scoring rampage. Dillon (Ring before sophomore spring) King finished the scoring with a goal, and the seniors led us on their final night to a 3-nil victory!

Looming on our schedule last week was not only our final regular season game, but a rematch against the MVNU Cougars who demolished us once upon a time.  This time, the Cougars found themselves down by two and on the ropes at halftime as Timmy (Galloping Grizzly) Waller deposited two goals into the net before the break. You see, recently we forgot that you are actually allowed to score goals in the second half. So in order to break this drought, we did our own demolition of the Cougars similar in a way to the killing of the zoo animals in Zanesville. Second half goals were scored by Jeremy (Miss Kristie) Hoppe, Hoppe again, and Twinem. 

After finishing our regular season, superheroes, farmers, gangsters, mobsters, gorillas, Sylvester Stallone (twice), and even two flamers dressed in nurse pants and surf jackets showed up for costume bowling!  Bert and Ernie (Beall and Faro) led the boys to the sketchiest alley around as Mario (Ryan Connelly) threw the bananas (Steve Schindler and Scott Irwin) out the window, much to the dismay of the gorilla (Myles Greely).  Coach Beall (Zack Gatlin) even made an appearance, reminding us always to finish strong and get the last strike. 

The bowling contest was won by one of the dominoes (Dillon King) and the lax bro (Joe Bonessi), both with high scores of 201. After realizing that the bowling screens recorded the speed of the ball, a speed contest ensued with Iron Man (Curtis Ranck) edging out ROTC guy (James Twinem) with a fastest speed of 26.62 mph.  The contest is under review, however, for inaccurate recording of speeds.

Get stuck in, lads!


October 24, 2011

Welcome aboard folks! Another week passed, and another flash of lightning in the distance. 

Our week began as we boarded the charter bus for yet another road trip. All was normal as we each got our usual two seats to ourselves in order to spread out and sleep comfortably in a nice and quiet atmosphere.  Whoa! Wait a second, disregard the previous statement of joy because luckily for us, we got the opportunity to travel with our female Lady Jacket women’s soccer team.  While many complained about the nonstop talking, giggling, and crowdedness, some of us embraced it because remember Herb, “We’re a family.”

After once again devouring many Farmers’ Choice specials at Robert Evans (the eggs feed the wolf), we witnessed a dramatic reading of sorts from Eric (Just For Men) Hoober because great moments are born from great opportunity. The deep and meaningful lyrics embraced our hurting souls and spoke to us in a way that only Sweet Brother Malcolm can.

Our face-off against Malone went as planned because we ran with them, we stayed with them, and we shut them down because we could.  Goals were scored by Justin (40 stacks and 2 kilos) Santoro and James (Big Game James) Twinem before lightning forced us to clear the premises and wait 45 minutes before resuming play and finishing the game.

After two indoor practices which included Scott (Fan-freakin-tastic!!) Erwin’s split of the century, Keith and the boys departed to wild and wonderful, West Virginia. Our opponent was Concord. One game. If we played ‘em ten times, they might win nine. But not this game. Not this afternoon. This afternoon, we are the greatest soccer team in the world. Goals in the miraculous win were scored by Todd (Tumnus) McKinley, Scott (Oxygen mask) Roseberg, and Ryan (I’m still on Fall Break) Thurman. They were born to be soccer players. Every one of them. And they were meant to be here this afternoon. This is our time.  So we went out there and took it.

And instead of a normal shout out of the week, I’ll leave you with this:

“Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.”“Yeah.”

Get stuck in, lads!


October 17, 2011

Welcome aboard folks! Another week passed, and another time zone driven through.

As we departed on our last road trip before the coveted Break during the Fall, we quickly learned that the whole country does not run on the Eastern time zone. You see, one must not get to a soccer match over two hours before kickoff as our minds may turn to mush from anticipation. So with an extra hour in our back pockets, the bus halted to a stop at the next rest stop to have some fun. 

As Mitch (Squirrel Shooter) Goodling and Jon (I kill bucks not squirrels) Earl studied their lives away to prepare for their upcoming battle against one another on the Old Testament test, another card game of bull broke out with Justin (I fly solo) Santoro taking the title this time. After arriving at Saint Joseph’s and realizing that the key to every magic trick is having a twin brother, we finally took the pitch at 8 eastern/7 central for you viewers back home. Goals were scored by Justin (Wanna get away?) Santoro and James (I’ll take my free sub any day now) Twinem, resulting in a 2 ‘nil victory for the good guys.

The highlight of our much-welcomed weekend off was the long-lost workout packet that brought back all the fun memories we encountered during the summer. But alas, we are refreshed and ready to go after the break. 

Shout out of the week goes to Myles (Letter to Job) Greely for once again making it back on campus in time for curfew.

Get stuck in, lads!


October 10, 2011

Welcome aboard folks! Another week passed, and another squirt of water to the face. 

After a wonderful day off to start the week, we focused on our upcoming home match against the Urbana Blue Knights. Because of the torrential downpour from the previous 7-day period, we expected our beloved home pitch to be in shambles. You see, the Cedarville grounds crew takes their job seriously, even sniping down clueless athletes for walking where one ought not to walk. But anyway, as we stepped onto our field for warm-ups, our minds were blown because the grounds crew had truly performed a miracle:  our field was back in great shape. Goals for the evening were scored by Ethan (On the pursuit) Shula, Scott (Where’s my inhaler?) Roseberg, and a double doozy from James (Where’s the cilantro?) Twinem.

After Ryan (Keep it down) Connelly finished chasing balls down the hill and Connor (Stuck in the net) Scott was rescued, Friday’s practice ended, and we prepared for our Saturday road contest against the Tiffin Dragons. Waking up before the rooster had even thought about crowing, we stumbled onto the bus with our minds dreaming of Robert Evans. Decisions had to be made between the refreshing orange juice and the delicious Farmer’s Choice breakfast, but we were all thankful for the scrumptious feast.

Not wanting us to be sluggish for our game, Coach implemented a “no sleeping” policy for the remainder of the trip. Grant (Jigga mane) Kovac learned the hard way by being doused in a cold stream of water.  Myles (Dreaming of Wood) Greely, Joe (Dubstep addict) Bonessi, and Eric (I was just resting my eyes) Newman all proceeded to get their morning shower for sleeping as Ryan (I get away with everything) Thurman, Scott (I read with my eyes closed) Roseberg, and Ethan (I count rocks not sheep) Shula escaped the wrath of Faro by waking up just in the knick of time.

Saturday’s game resulted in our first shutout of the year as Curtis (Kick save and a beauty) Ranck held down the fort in net for our 2-0 victory. Goals were scored by James (Be a leader) Twinem and Daniel (What position do I play?) Rigby.

Shout out of the week goes to Steve (Shoes in the cemetery) Schindler’s grandmother for baking such a delicious and still-in-tact cake for his birthday.

Get stuck in, lads!


October 3, 2011

Welcome aboard folks! Another week passed, and another pool of rainwater dumped onto our game field. 

This week began as once again Cedarville’s weather decided to ruin our plans and deem our game field unplayable on Tuesday. Luckily for everyone involved, Athletes in Action opened up their turf (artificial grass for you old-timers) field for us to use for our contest against the Wittenberg Tigers. We emerged victorious in the 3-2 nail-biter as the first goal was scored by freshman Connor (We’re playing corn hole not basketball) Scott. Following halftime, the Tigers forgot that in soccer you switch directions after the break, and we tricked them into scoring an own goal to give us the lead. Who knew Tigers could be so clueless. The game-winning goal came from a long right-footed cannon by Zac (I wanna snorkel with Storkel) Gatlin as he made the best case so far for our prestigious “goal of the year.”

After a fun-filled Friday night of bowling, skunk smells coming through the vents, and the surprise visit from the long-lost girlfriend, we geared up for our Homecoming match against Walsh. Mother nature decided once again to not play nice, but well in by the hundreds of fans and alumni who braved the cold, windy weather to get a glimpse of the muddy brawl on Yellow Jacket Field.  While the alumni watched and reminisced about their soccer glory days on the same pitch, our game ended in disappointment as we collapsed like the Red Sox in September (Bye-bye Tito). 

Shout out of the week goes to all the alumni (Pioneers of the program) who braved the elements on Friday night for the annual Men’s Soccer Alumni game.

Get stuck in, lads!


September 26, 2011

Welcome aboard folks! Another week passed, and another lap ran around the practice field. The week began with yet another road trip, this time to face off against the Notre Dame College of Ohio.

On the ascent to northern Ohio, Coach (I can’t believe we went to the only Arby’s in Ohio without Mountain Dew) Faro showed us his sensitive side by popping in the latest and greatest chick flick, Something Borrowed. While we all learned that the correct way to treat women involves dumping them on their wedding day, Scott (Gwen must wear the pants) Roseberg and Ryan (I watch these movies with my wife) Connelly shared tissues with each other as Dex and Rachel lived happily ever after. After dropping a disappointing result to Notre Dame, Soul Surfer was shown on the bus trip home to help mend our broken souls from the loss and heal Jon (I wanted Ethan to win) Earl’s soul from the ending of Something Borrowed.

This is the beginning of an incredible adventure to the ends of the earth, or more accurately Lynchburg, VA. We stepped onto the same glorious sleeper bus that pioneered our trip last fall to Florida. Memories of Christmas carols, bee stings, and synchronized swimming filled our minds as Quinn started the bus. Not quite the same as our Florida bus drivers, Don, Leo, and Sharon, but Quinn found the splits through traffic just fine. After playing the card game of euchre and waking up Scott (All I do is sleep) Roseberg, we stepped onto Liberty’s practice field amazed at the grass from Bermuda beneath our feet.

To close our adventure-filled day, our wonderful athletic director Dr. Alan (Head of the SAAC) Geist took us out to dinner. The best dressed award for the evening belonged to Joe (I look like a guy again) Bonessi for wearing khakis tighter than a sumo wrestler in spandex. As we left the restaurant, James (I know the Canadian dictionary even better) Twinem defeated Grant Kovac in the word game. Meanwhile, Quinn decided to pull away without our fearless leader Coach (It wasn’t a recruit this time) Beall. Back at the hotel we shared testimonies together. And finally, after our quest for a late-night snack failed miserably, our heads hit the pillows dreaming of setting the Flames ablaze the following afternoon.

In the morning before the biggest game of our young lives, we eased the nerves by playing a ladder-style tournament of the card game “golf.” Daniel (I knew I was gonna win) Rigby took home the championship before we headed to Olive Garden for lunch. While everyone else was depleting the restaurant’s supply of breadsticks, Grant (Got any sisters?) Kovac set his eyes on the girl of his dreams (Hint: Her name rhymes with Limber Kin). After forming a choir better than the Vienna Boys Choir in Austria and proceeding to sing to Todd (It’s my birthday?) McKinley, we departed for our adventure back to Cedarville.

On the trip back home, Coach (Sure, I’ll take that royal flush) Faro introduced a new card game to the gang involving poker hands and a good bit of fibbing. Coach Beall beat Steve (Four 7's and a 7) Schindler in the final of the first game, and soon half of the bus was hooked. Alliances dominated the second game as Mitch (I don’t need anyone’s help) Goodling defeated Timmy (I’ll do whatever I can to help Coach win) Waller, Coach (He’s never steered me wrong before) Beall, and Coach (I have cards up my sleeve) Faro. Well in by Jeremy (Send me to Vegas) Hoppe for dealing cards for seven straight hours. Ian (I don’t play cards because I’ll cheat) MacDonald was eating some of Mrs. Schindler’s delicious brownies.

By now you’re probably wondering how our tussle against the Liberty Flames turned out. Come to find out, a monsoon hit Lynchburg before kickoff, canceling our game and making our adventure to Virginia pointless. But this pointless trip taught us a lot and made memories of a lifetime.

Shout out of the week goes to Alex (Microfricker) Scott for receiving an 82% on his Physics II test.

Get stuck in, lads!


September 19, 2011

Welcome aboard folks! Another week passed, and another return back to port from our time out on the sea. Our familiar Dayton Dragons bus chartered us to the deep south of Ohio—Shawnee State. Interestingly, the Bears unveiled a new, foreign formation, the 8-1-1, which gave us fits all afternoon. After Dillon (I’m looking for a jeweler) King slipped in a goal in the first half, Scott (Rosin Bag) Roseberg came up clutch in double overtime as he scored another side-footed slow roller to send us home happy.

After embracing and reuniting with his long lost best friend, the Tan-Man, Myles (Rosa Parks) Greely stood up for underclassmen all across the world by refusing to give up his perfect seat for the bus ride home. As Myles eventually surrendered, our stomachs groaned for food until we finally arrived at coach’s treat to us: Golden Corral instead of pizza. Although not as good as Chuck’s, Golden Corral filled our empty stomachs with more food than any scoundrel could ever imagine. It may have been the last good meal we ever have. Steve (Smuggler) Ellis even satisfied his sweet tooth by leaving with two pockets full of his favorite gummie bears. Too bad they didn’t have puckerrooms.

Our week ended with a four and a half hour excursion to Goshen, Indiana. After Dillon (Guys, stop walking so fast) King had scored our only goal of the disappointing match, we had gotten gigantic cardboard boxes of pizza that probably tasted better than the pizza itself, Mitch (Saucy Finger) Goodling had finished the rest of his homework for the next three years, Denzel (Stud) Washington had learned how to catch a runaway train, and Daniel (Don’t look down) Rigby had left his phone on the bus, our road trip was sadly over.

Shout out of the week goes to Stephen (We miss you) Magee as he ran his first-ever marathon on Saturday.

Get stuck in, lads!


September 12, 2011

Welcome aboard folks! Another week passed, and another Dave Jones Classic written into the history books. But before we stepped on our home field this weekend, we took our first road trip of the season to the University of Indianapolis. The whole city had a sort-of “gloomy” feel probably due to the fact their star QB can barely move his neck or something. After fortunately watching soccer instead of Sydney White on the televisions in the bus, we arrived at Indy. Equipped with our new Storm-FIT jackets that can withstand hurricanes, tornadoes, and even the occasional stray bullet, we set out on a team stroll across campus before our game. Unfortunately, our first away game ended in disappointment as we couldn’t contain Tony (Benedict Arnold) Franco and his new friends.

This past weekend was the ultimate test of manliness, the extreme battle of bravery, the most vital test of survival, the pinnacle of pandemonium, the Dave Jones Memorial Classic. The lucky victims in this year’s version were the Milligan (Let’s UFC instead) Buffaloes, the Olivet Nazarene (Purple, seriously?) Tigers, and the Mount Vernon Nazarene (We love Swartzentruber) Cougars. I know you all were scrambling to fill out your September Sanity brackets at home, but remember folks, gambling is an NCAA violation.

As we mentally prepared before Friday night’s game, we watched as Jon (I wish I was Dzeko) Earl’s job as DJ was overtaken and thrown under the bus. We proceeded to listen to every different genre of music found under the sun except of course for normal “pump-up” music.

Friday night’s game against the Buffaloes began with a bang as James (Pig murderer) Twinem sent a wonder-strike off a set piece into the top corner. The North Street Elite went bonkers as Twinem revealed his NSE undershirt to the screaming fans. Shortly after, Ryan Thurman allowed the Milligan keeper to make his best Robert Green impression by ripping a ball right at his hands that somehow found the back of the net. Second half goals were scored by Todd (Check out my biceps) McKinley and Timmy (Locks of love) Waller as the Yellow Jackets held on for victory. However, the Buffaloes wanted to take things outside as James suffered a broken nose at the end that would even make Rocky Balboa proud.

Luckily, James (Rip Hamilton) Twinem was able to play in Saturday’s night game against the Olivet Tigers. Right off the bat Todd (Where am I?) McKinley suffered a scary hit complete with blood everywhere, groaning on all fours, players almost in tears, and Leyna coming to the rescue to save this young lad’s life. I hear that he is going to make a full recovery. After that, we earned the “W” and completed the sweep of the tourney with goals scored by Thurman, Ryan (Super Senior) Connelly, and Jeremy (No one cares about the Biltmore) Hoppe. And with that, the Dave Jones Memorial Classic came to a close.

Get stuck in, lads!


September 6, 2011

Welcome aboard folks! Another week passed, and another week of Dribblers’ games ending in excitement, intensity, and a little bit of controversy. Dribblers is a co-ed children’s soccer ministry in town, in which a dozen lucky members of our team get to vigorously train the up-and-coming four and five-year-olds to someday take our place on the Yellow Jacket pitch. Records were broken this week as the Gold (One man) team struck 14 balls into the net in one match despite the best efforts of opposing coach Steve (I crush kids’ dreams) Schindler to sabotage their scoring rampage.

Friday night we were lucky enough to spend the evening at Coach Beall’s. His better half Mrs. (Betty Crocker) Beall cooked us some delicious lasagna that Alex (Bottomless pit) Scott scooped up for himself. Meanwhile, Myles (100 Acre Wood) Greely and Ryan (Check your rearview mirror) Thurman battled in the most epic game of corn hole my young eyes have seen. The odds of putting the bag into the hole on any given shot is about equal to the odds of Eric (I thought it was orange!) Hoober having a good throw-in, yet these lads rarely missed the hole. After watching three soccer games online simultaneously, playing foosball, and coaching us during FIFA, we all came to realize that Coach (No basketball shorts) Beall truly does love the game of soccer.

As a week of continually ascending, penetrating, and 1-touch transition practices came to a close, our sights turned to our home opener against the Seton Hill Griffins. Timmy (Samson) Waller scored our first goal of the 2011 season with a galloping run, hair flowing and all, that ended with a right-footed drive high and near. Living up to his nickname, Scott (All I do is score goals) Roseberg rocketed a laser beam into the back of the net, and Steve (I miss my full 90 headgear) Schindler slotted a PK into the side panel to send the North Street Elite into a frenzy at halftime with a 3-0 lead. Jeremy (Subway Athlete of the Week) Hoppe continued the onslaught with two second-half goals, and Timmy (Moroccan Maniac) Waller added his second tally to cap the scoring at 6. Also, well in by Ryan (Slicin’ and Dicin’) Thurman for finishing the night with three assists. The Griffins somehow squeaked a late one in against us, but alas we’ll try and fix that next week.

Get stuck in, lads!


August 30, 2011

Welcome aboard folks! Nerves and excitement ran wild this week as the Cedarville men’s soccer team lined up for our first scrimmage against an opponent other than ourselves. As we adjusted our shinnies, laced up our boots, and tucked our jerseys into our knickers; a slight, subtle drum beat echoed in the distance. Out of the barren cornfields marched a group of young lads clad in yellow and blue. With a flag flapping above their heads and a drum suspended from one of their chests, the new supporters group paraded to their section in the stands. Led by a fellow they call Blauert, this group sung and chanted their lungs out for 90 minutes in order to provide the Yellow Jackets with enough energy to finish the battle at hand. The battle ended with a 3-1 victory for the good guys with goals scored by Jeremy (Coach wants to talk to you) Hoppe, Zac (Gatlin Gun) Gatlin, and Eric (Beach Bod) Newman.

Before this blog proceeds further, the team would like to celebrate the capture of Assistant Coach Brett (Let my people go!) Faro from the depths of the sea (U.S. Naval Academy) where he once trained midshipmen to cruyff out, turn away, and take measured touches. His navigation skills were put to the test immediately. As we trekked home from our second scrimmage against the Ashland Eagles, Coach Faro accidentally led our starving stomachs to the wrong Little Caesars (Déjà vu?).

However, the minor detour turned into a blessing in disguise as we all got to observe how not to drive an 18-wheeler. After eating our pizza and losing to Steve (Scrabble Dictionary) Ellis in the word game, our vans arrived back at school. Although the day’s scrimmage did not go our way, our lone goal was hammered into the back of the net by Scott (All I do is score goals) Roseberg.

Get stuck in, lads!


August 23, 2011

Welcome aboard folks! Another summer passed, and another gruesome workout packet completed. Countless mornings and evenings of whipping our bodies into shape led up to the most nerve wracking evening of our young lives. The Mile Run. But no worries because anyone can do anything for five minutes as long as you put your mind to it, including holding your breath underwater. After the majority of us passed the test, including Ethan (Sunglass Hut) Shula, we rejoiced for another summer of hard work was behind us. But the hard work was just about to begin.

However, before we got to frolic on the field while dutch turning and cruyffing, we had to take the dreaded concussion test. The shapes and colors proved too much to handle for Justin (Your shirt’s on backwards) Santoro because he miserably failed the exam.

While preseason week did involve plenty of soccer, one night Coach (Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom) Beall ended practice on time so we could play some good ol’ fashioned putt-putt. Unfortunately the next Tiger—errr I mean Rory Mcllroy was not amongst us as Jeremy (Heineken Handshake) Hoppe struggled to keep his scores below 6.

After a long week of three-touch turns, playing against the flow, and driving it high and near, the freshmen party welcomed the newcomers to the team. While Joe (Propaganda Obey) Bonessi picked up girls by telling them about the 60 million people in Los Angeles, the freshmen received a special visit from Super (Where did that kart go?) Mario. The preseason week concluded with the annual trip to Ken (Phillies fan) Winter’s house for an exciting night of corn hole, dart guns, and bonzi burgers! Big props go out to Myles (Academic schoolwork) Greely and Stephen (Just along for the ride) Morris for becoming 2011 Cedarville Men’s Soccer Bonzi Burger Night Corn Hole champions. Your championship rings will be coming shortly.

Speaking of rings, congrats to Jason (Newlywed) Bender on tying the knot this past weekend. To witness the event, five brave souls from the team decided to embark on the dangerous, interstate-free trip to Michigan led by Coach (One pant leg up) Mac. After 13 total hours of long-cuts, Sodukus, and Chinese symbols, we made it back safely in time for our upcoming scrimmage.

Amongst all of these whirlwind events, this week taught us one valuable lesson:
“We’re not about striking opponents in the head.”

Get stuck in, lads!


Eric Hoober is a sophomore defender from Elkton, Md. majoring in accounting.